Am I Really That Old?

It's late, extremely early Christmas Eve morning and I have a million ideas swimming through my head.  As I lay in bed making a mental note of my Christmas list, thoughts of the hectic weeks at work dance like sugar plums in my head.  The natives (children in my class) were restless and they couldn't wait until Christmas break.  I think I was more excited than they were, however I worked very hard to contain that excitement.  I continued to think about work and I am grappling with the fact that I am getting old!  All these happy thoughts lead us to a new Daley Laugh.

As I have mentioned before, I've been teaching since December 1998 and my first teaching gig was at an all-girl's Catholic high school.  Well, lately I have been feeling ancient!  One of my students from that all-girl high school was actually subbing in my building!!!!!!!!!  I walked into the teacher's lounge and much to my surprise, I was greeted by one of my high school students!!!!!!  When did she grow up?  She looks exactly the same to me and it really does NOT seem that long ago that this girl (well...woman, now!) was sitting in my homeroom!  I can't take it!  I swear my face has not changed much since graduating from college (or is that just awesome genes?), so it can't be that long.  I'm really feeling old!

As if being colleagues with one of my students wasn't bad enough, I'm running into girls I taught in high school at the bar!!!!!!!!  I also have students asking me to hang out sometime!  When did they reach the legal drinking age!?!?!?!  Someone help me understand what is going on.  I also need someone to reassure me that I am not getting older, I'm just getting better.

I'm glad I could share this senior moment with you.  I hope you're getting a good laugh (at my expense, of course) out of this post.

Barbie Girl

I'm back with another post!  Before I share the story, I'd like to thank my co-workers for sharing their stories with me.  The story I'm sharing with you today belongs to one of them.  Love you guys! You're the BEST!

Today I introduce you to Barbie.  I had the pleasure of working with Barbie last year.  Barbie is very special.  She's not a Nicki Minaj or Lil Kim wanna-be.  She's the sweetest little girl you would ever meet.  However when you meet or talk to her, you always walk away saying, "What in the world?!?!?!"  I have a few "Barbie anecdotes" to share with you today.  I hope you enjoy.

Where should I begin???  I'll begin with Barbie's invention of Ugg Sneakers.  The other day Barbie goes to class and asks her teacher for some string.  The teacher asks why and Barbie proceeds to explain her story of woe.  It is gym day and she's wearing Ugg boots.  The gym teacher won't allow her to participate in gym because she's not wearing sneakers.  She figures she can get some string and tie her Ugg boots up with the string (mind you the boots don't have holes for laces).  That way, the gym teacher will think she has sneakers on.  Her teacher says, "Well...how are you going to get the string to stay on the boots?"  Barbie's response is, "I was going to glue the string on my boots."

This little girl is unbelievable.  My Barbie story doesn't end here though.  There's more.  Hope you can handle it.

Our second story about Barbie is another doozy.  Her teacher assigns homework.  The next day, Barbie comes to school with the homework incomplete.  She tells her teacher that she didn't know what the homework assignment was so she decided to do something else.  The teacher says, "Who are you to change the homework assignment?"  Barbie says, "I'm Barbie!"  Have you had enough of the Barbie stories?  Do you want more?  I have one more story for you.

Picture this...Halloween 2009.  Our school has a "Character Day" celebration and the children were supposed to come to school dressed as a character from a book.  Barbie decided to dress as a unicorn.  Sounds like a cute idea, doesn't it?  It was cute.  However, I want you to picture a fourth grader dressed in a full body unicorn costume.  Hooves and everything...She even had a hood with a huge horn protruding from the head.  To make matters worse she wore the costume all day long!  Did I mention it was quite warm that day?

You may be thinking this girl is joking around.  Nooooo...she is serious!  Barbie is our special girl and you gotta love her!  I know when you read some of my posts, you're wondering if I am making this stuff up.  I can't make this stuff up.  All my material is real life!

Ashy Skin and Stank Breath

Hello all! I'm back with another installment.  I actually have 2 installments.  Most of the time when I post to The Daley Laugh, I usually tell stories about what has been happening in my classroom.  At times, I hear a story from another teacher that is "blog worthy".  I have a story from my classroom and my partner teacher's. Thanks partner for sharing the story with me.  I got a good laugh out of it.

Meet Chester.  He's a very enthusiastic child and does NOT hold his tongue for anyone.  He keeps it real at all times.  Let's just say that Chester is raw and uncut.  This young man will tell you when his mom is dating someone new.  He'll tell you that she leaves the house at night after he's supposed to be asleep (A note to those of you who have small children...be careful of what you say or do in front of your children.  Trust me...the teacher knows ALL of your business.).  He doesn't have a problem telling you about yourself.  Not many people know how to take him.  I like him, he has plenty of personality.  When that little boy grows up, he will be a force to be reckoned with.  Unfortunately, Chester is not in my class.  He's in my partner teacher's class.  However I have been blessed with the opportunity of meeting him.

Today one of Chester's classmates decided that he/she would get too close and invade his personal space.  Big mistake...Chester was not having it!  When the child got close enough, Chester exclaimed, "UGH! Get outta my face! Your breath smells like DOO-DOO!"  Let's just say that quieted the stank breath child down.  In the past he has told a certain child in my class (whose breath is kicking like a Jackie Chan movie), "Shaneequa! Back up! You know I don't roll with you like that!  Your breath stinks!"   So if you're looking for the truth and you want it raw and uncut, Mr. Chester will be glad to give it to you.

The second half of our story happened in my classroom.  A couple of weeks ago, I introduced you to "The Riddler".  To refresh your memory, he is the star of my post entitled "When Is Your Birthday?".  Our story begins while we were meeting on the carpet.  Another teacher came to visit my classroom and I got up from my seat to speak with them.  As I'm walking back to my seat, one of my little angels decided to give "The Riddler" some advice on why he should use lotion.

Angel #1:  UGH! What is wrong with your skin?!?!?!
The Riddler:  What????
Angel #1:  Your skin is really dry!
The Riddler:  So!
Angel #1:  So?!?!?!  ILK! That looks nasty. It's so dry! You look like an alligator!  You need to put some lotion on!

Now, I had the option of allowing the conversation to continue.  However, if I didn't stop the conversation I would have had to deal with "The Riddler" crying about his ashy skin.  The little "Angel of Lotion" would not have stopped because she was so disgusted with the state of his skin.  It wasn't worth it.  However, I will admit that I found the conversation VERY amusing.  Just remember...Take it from my kids, Binaca and Vaseline Intensive Care is everyone's friend.

Oh No He Didn't!

For the most part, my blogs are about the the little ones in my class.  Occasionally, I will post a story about me or a parent in my class.  Today's post is about one of the parents.  For those of you who have read some of my previous blogs, I'm sure you might have fallen in love with Anthony's father from "It's Not That Serious" (the canned goods story).  Unfortunately, our story is not about him, it's about one of my past parents.  Where should I begin????

I'm sure that some of you are familiar with Beyonce and her breakout group Destiny's Child.  I believe on Destiny's Child's first album they had a song entitled "Bug-a-Boo".  A bug-a-boo is that stalker guy who is constantly calling your phone, emailing, texting, he may be visiting you at your job.  He's the guy you run away from if you "conveniently" end up at the same location.  I'm sure you get my drift.  Well, the school I work at has one.  He is constantly lingering around the office.  He loves to catch the teachers in passing and talk them to death.  If we could understand what he was saying, maybe that would help.  However he insists on using this voice that I guess he considers his "sexy voice".  It's all quite pitiful.  To sit in a Parent/Teacher Conference with this man is even worse.

Well, the other day I came downstairs to talk to another parent.  Mr. Bug-a-Boo was also waiting downstairs for his son to finish basketball practice.  After I finished meeting with the parent who was there to speak with me, I walked past the bug-a-boo.  Right after I passed him, I felt something hit me in the back of my head.  I turned around with a very perplexed look on my face and the bug-a-boo is looking at me with this "I'm a molestor" smile on his face.  I find out that the bug-a-boo hit me in the back of my head with his hat and scarf!  Who does that?!?!?!  I'm mad he thought we were cool like that! To make matters worse, he was giving me that "I'm a molestor" look!  I just feel so violated!

Note to self...stay away from the molestor and watch your back!

If I Wasn't Afraid of Losing My Job...

Hello all!  At times when all is quiet, I reminisce about all of my teaching experience.  This month makes 12 years that I have been in this game.  In the grand scheme of things it doesn't seem like very long, but it feels like eons to me. 

I started teaching in December of '98 at an all-girls, Catholic high school.  I was excited...excited about a lot of things. It was my first teaching job after graduating. It was my first real check (although it equaled peanuts), but it was still a check. I had my own benefits. I was growing up and I swore I could change the world and the teaching profession. 

Needless to say, I was knocked down to reality within the first two months.  I made the mistake of trying to be my students' friends (wish someone had told me that it would backfire) and it didn't help that I looked just like them.  The only difference was, I was out of uniform.  I used to get in 'trouble' for going into the teacher's lounge, the faculty bathroom...you name it, I got in trouble for it.  That is until whoever was yelling at me realized who I actually was.  It didn't help that one of my teachers from high school was now my co-worker and there was absolutely no one to mentor me!  But I digress...

I realized this was not the setting for me quite early on.  However, I was not ready to give up.  My enthusiasm for the profession made me swear I could take on the world and change it.  Within my first 2-3 months Bertha (that's what I'm naming her...and trust me the name TRULY fits) was determined to meet me in the parking lot or at the bus stop at 3 pm!  I knew then I was in the wrong setting.

Picture this:  Sometime in early 1999...A young, enthusiastic teacher gives a review for a test.  She tells the girls exactly what will be on the test.  Big Bertha in the back decides that she's going to talk to her friends, pat her weave, and not pay attention to the review.  Bertha takes the test and FAILS miserably.  When Bertha receives the results of her test, she shoots the teacher rocks for an entire 45 minutes and decides to approach the teacher (in an "I'm gonna whoop her a**" kinda way) after class.  The teacher looks Bertha up and down and wonders if she can take her.  Bertha is talking junk on her way out of class. This young teacher is wondering if she can pay a 15 year old gangsta b***ch from the street or if she knows a ghetto girl who will handle Bertha for free.

If I wasn't afraid of losing my job and going to jail, Bertha and I would have thrown down! Did I mention that in my two and a half year bid at that institution, I was tempted to come out of character and handle some business????  Needless to say, I didn't.  I was afraid of losing my job and going to jail.  I'm glad I had that experience though. It taught me that I am not supposed to work with children over the age of 10.  And if I can help it...NO MORE Catholic schools for me.

Is That Embarrassing Enough For Ya????

After dealing with "The Riddler" and his birthday woes (see the previous installment of The Daley Laugh), I figured the rest of the day would be smooth sailing.  Well...I was wrong.  This post is about dear, sweet Georgie in my class.  Georgie is the little one who molested me by giving me a hug and pinching my love handles.  He means well, but I really felt uncomfortable after that and hoped that the cameras in the building did not pick that incident up.  Enough about the molestation...on to today's story.

Georgie is a very enthusiastic child.  He loves learning and really wants to do well.  However, he can get a little carried away at times and needs to be reminded to get back on track.  Today was one of those days.  He was loud and talking out of turn all day long.  Everytime I looked at him, he was fooling around and I just couldn't take it anymore.  Lucky for me, his mother works in our building and if I am having some issues with him, I know I can always call 'Mommy' and she will back me up (we're like a posse).  Lucky for him, I have never had to call 'Mommy' to my classroom...until today.

The children were lined up and about to enter the classroom when I noticed Georgie bouncing off the walls.  He was talking a mile a minute, he was loud AND bouncing around like a jumping bean.  So I told him to go get his mother immediately (Georgie's mom is one of those old school, no nonsense Haitian mommas.  For those of you who don't know...they are a force to be reckoned with!).  I know...I had one!.  At that moment he knew he was going to get it.  But...I gotta give it to him, he went without protesting.

Georgie's mother came to the classroom and I explained to her that he was rather rambunctious today and that I had been talking to him ALL DAY.  Georgie's mother grabs him by the face and tells him this...

Georgie's Mom:  (while grabbing Georgie's face)  You are going inside the classroom and you will apologize for disturbing them today.  Then you are going to tell them that after today, you will not speak unless the teacher speaks to you or asks you to speak.  After that you will tell them that if Ms. Daley has to call me to speak to you about your behavior, I'm going to kill you.

Georgie: (frightened look on his face) Huh????  What am I supposed to say again?

Me:  Just go into the classroom and apologize for disrupting the class.

Georgie's Mom:  You are to apologize for disrupting the class and tell them that if I have to come up here to speak with you about your behavior again, I will kill you!

At this point, Georgie walks into the classroom (with 'Mommy' in tow) and apologizes to the class for being disruptive.  Then he proceeds to tell them that if he doesn't get his act together, his mother will come to the classroom and kill him.

The children are sitting at their seats in shock.  Some of them have their mouths covered in shock.  A few of the girls were 'clutching their pearls' and some other children were trying to contain fits of laughter.

Then Georgie's mom interjects with, "If I have to come back in here for you, I'll be coming with the brush." 

The other children have looks of utter confusion on their faces upon hearing this and one of them gets bold and says, "Brush???? Are you going to brush his hair?"

Georgie's mom says, "No! Some of you might get a belt. I get a brush!"

At this point, the children gasp and start whispering about how much trouble Georgie is in.  Needless to say, I don't hear a peep out of Georgie for the rest of the day.  I pray that today's incident was enough embarrassment for a good while and that he'll think twice before acting like a pinball bouncing around the pinball machine all day long! 

Georgie's mom may have been a tad bit extreme for some people, but sometimes we need those old school, no nonsense Haitian mommas to keep us in check.

When Is Your Birthday?

Today was filled with WTF moments.  Two big WTF moments stick out, so I will be posting twice today.  Let's start with a young man I call "The Riddler."  Everytime I look at this child I say to myself, "WTF?!?!?!?!"  Every waking moment in the classroom with him is confusing.  Hence the name, "The Riddler".

During Science we were discussing the similarities/differences between solids and liquids.  "The Riddler" decides to make swooshing noises and shake the saliva around in his mouth. The noise reminded me of the gurgling noise babies make when they realize they can make other sounds with their mouths. I guess he was making a connection with the liquid in his mouth to the Science lesson???  I swear I am still trying to make sense of it.  But of course, it's a riddle and only he knows the answer!

At this point, I am disgusted with the noise, so I use poor judgement and inquire about his antics.

Me:  What are you doing?
The Riddler:  Hmmm (while looking puzzled)????
Me:  Why are you making that noise?
The Riddler: makes some type of grunting noise
Me:  That noise is disgusting.  Second graders don't behave like that.  Babies do.  How old are you?
The Riddler:  I 'ont know...
Me:  Stop playing games. How old are you?
The Riddler:  I 'ont know.
Me:  You know, that's not something you tell everyone.  You should know how old you are.  When is your birthday?
The Riddler:  September...

At this point the children sitting around him are appalled and whispering, "He doesn't know how old he is?  He's crazy..."

I decide to leave the situation alone, because I am at a loss for words.  He doesn't know how old he is?  This kid has got to be yanking my chain.  Well...our story doesn't end here.  "The Riddler" goes to an after school program where one of my very good friends works.  So I call my friend and tell him about what happened.  He decides to investigate and find out if the kid was playing around.  Meanwhile, I am praying that this kid was just joking around.  My friend investigates and the story is still the same.

Of course my friend refuses to accept that this child doesn't know how old he is, so he waits for the child's mother to come pick him up.  My friend asks the mother how old her son is and she says 8.  Then the mother proceeds to tell my friend that "The Riddler's" birthday was on Sunday!!!!!!!!!  Let's remember this child told me his birthday was in September!

Now the mother of this child is saying that his birthday was on Sunday.  She even said they had a party for him!!!!!!!!  Meanwhile, the child is looking at her as if he has NO IDEA what she's talking about.  Of course, he is giving her the blank stare like she's speaking German to him and has no recollection of this birthday that was celebrated on November 28!!!!!!!!!  My friend has worked enough times with this child to know that he has no clue about his birthday or date of birth!  REALLY?!?!?!

But wait...there's more!  Since I refuse to accept that this child doesn't know his age or date of birth (AND HE'S IN THE SECOND GRADE), I do some more investigating.  I look back at my questionnaires and surveys that I took on the first day of school when I met the children.  This little boy told me that his birthday was in January!

Let's just say I am at a loss and I have seen/heard it all!  He's in the second grade and doesn't know his birthday?!?!?! IMPOSSIBLE!